Two Years Ago I Was a Junkie Waiting for the End

Lest I forget.

I'm so immersed in what I'm doing and feeling good about it that I can seldom remember what things were like two years ago. But it's important that I do remember. It's one of the purposes of this blog.

It's been two years since I met with a nutritionist and agreed to start taking small steps to right the sinking ship that was me.

Today I cross-country skied with my wife for 90 minutes. It was fun and we didn't want to come in even though our bodies were spent. Two years ago I was just beginning to walk my daughter to the preschool around the corner. It took ten minutes each way and I was sweaty and exhausted when I got home. I spent the two and half hours that she was in school resting for the trip back. I hated winter. I hated having to walk her there. I hated that my body was so useless.

I was my body's bitch. It had total control over me. I had none over it.

Two years ago I was eating until my stomach hurt from being full. I was eating high calorie, high fat food that made me feel tired, irritable and unfulfilled.

Today I ate some of the foods that caused me so much trouble back then. I had nachos for supper and chocolate for dessert. But I did it in moderation.

I had mostly salsa instead of sour cream and I sprinkled the cheese sparsely on a plate of chips half the size of what I might have had in my previous life. I stopped eating when I was full, not when my stomach became uncomfortably stretched. When I encountered chocolate, I just had a small sample and enjoyed it instead of wondering how much of it I might have, how I could get the most possible, or if anyone was watching.

I haven't cured my eating problems, I've only begun the work, but I'm under control. Each day I gain more control and knowledge of what's going on with my eating. I'm practicing better eating habits until my mind and body finally accept the more appropriate ways of behaving.

Two years ago I was ashamed to be in public. Two years ago I had no inclination that I would ever be doing the things I now enjoy and thrive on: Cycling, jogging and cross-country skiing. Two years ago my kids barely had a father. Now they have a playmate and a dad.

Every once in a while I have a flashback. I remember not being able to climb the stairs in my house, how I used to use a shopping cart to hold myself up at the grocery store, or how I felt after using junk food as a meal.

I was a junky, eating things that made me sick and not being able to stop harming myself.

Exercise quickly helped me gain the strength to take control. It empowered me to take the reins of my disease. Far faster than the speed at which my waistline shrunk, I became more and more able-bodied.

I have years of hard work and learning ahead of me before I can claim any sort of long-term success but I'm enjoying the journey. And the way I now think about myself and my future couldn't be more different than it was two years ago.

Two years ago, I was disabled from a disease that isn't very well understood. It's complex and difficult to manage. What I do know absolutely and one hundred percent is that exercise is the fool-proof way to pin my menacing disease to the ground. Waiting for the count to ten to declare victory will take a very long time and it will present challenges that I have yet to imagine.

But I'm stronger than I've ever been in my life and I'm ready for whatever lies ahead.