On this Saturday morning, I lay in bed eagerly pondering my physical activity for the day. I feel the adrenaline flowing through my veins as I consider the nice winter weather and the opportunity to go for an hour long cross country ski trek that will get my heart pumping and endorphins flowing. I have no fear, no apprehension, only anticipation of getting better at an activity I recently discovered. But three years ago, it would have been a far different story.
Three years ago I ate until my stomach hurt. That was my signal that I was full. Three years ago I ate fat and sugar laden foods that made me feel irritable, tired and sick. Eating made me sick.
Today my diet is moderated by reason and tempered by a conscious realization of what is going into me and how much I really need. It's a struggle but I've got it under control and am slowly making improvements. I still see junk food and am overtaken by anxiety. That probably shows a food addiction in me that will always be there, like other addictions are in addicts who are in recovery. But I have no desire to make myself sick by eating anymore. Awareness of the nuances of my eating disorder helps me keep it at bay.
Three years ago any activity was a struggle. Walking my daughter to her preschool at the end of the street was like climbing a mountain. I dreaded the ever so slight hill, barely noticeable to most people, in my journey down the street. Today, it's nothing to me. It's not even there. Three years ago, it wiped me out. I'd return home from the preschool soaked in sweat and exhausted. I'd use the whole time to my duaghter was at school to rest up for the block long journey to get her home.
Today I run 5K every other day and look forward to it. Three days a week I strengthen my body at the gym and that allows me to feel good about myself and helps me lose weight by increasing my metabolism. I cycle on roads and mountain biking trails and I cross country ski.
I've not only reclaimed James, I've reclaimed my youth. I feel like I'm eighteen again and anything is possible. Three years ago I felt like I was ninety.
